Saturday, December 28, 2013

Because I Have Reached a New Level of Lazy...

So...what does a blogger do when extreme blogger's block sets in? You get on twitter and ask people far more funny than yourself to do a guest post. 

Jan and I don't know each other in real life, but we are twitter pals. She is hilarious and agreed to write a guest post for me. Without further ado...

Jan of Tough Bananas

Let me just preface this post by stating that indeed, I love our boys, I would not trade them for anything and I cannot imagine life without them. But parenting is hard, guys, and gross.  This list could be seven pages, but I’ve kept it to four things (for now).

1. I never thought I’d be so gleeful when bedtime rolls around.

Before we had children I could get up when I wanted, take a nap when I wanted, eat what I wanted wherever I wanted. I wish I could go back in time and tell 9 years ago me to appreciate naps. And free time. And naps. I never thought I would love 7:30pm as much as I do.  With only one son napping now, bedtime has become “Me Time”. That’s when I get caught up TV shows, social media, and shopping by myself. Those few hours every night have become the reward for making it through the day with everyone still standing.

It’s not unusual for the boys to witness a little song and dance as we announce it’s time to get their jammies on. Hurry up, gentlemen, Mommy has a glass of wine, some M&Ms, and a date with the couch. Chop, chop!

Occasionally, my fantastic Bearded Husband will say, “Jan, just go to bed, you’re exhausted.” To which I reply, “No, it’s only 9:30 and this is my time. MY TIME I TELL YOU. I WILL NOT SQUANDER IT BY GOING TO SLEEP.” Priorities, guys.

Go to bed, I have some important social media updates to check. 

2. I never thought I would lie so much.

I’m not a liar, really. But once your first child starts asking questions, you start to develop a bit of a “gray area” that you did not see coming.

Sorry, that was the last cookie.
That colouring is beautiful – you could sell that picture.
This isn’t the piece of pizza that fell on the floor.
What am I eating? Carrots. They do smell a lot like jelly beans, don’t they?
Santa doesn’t bring toys to whiners.
Yes, please give me a full recap of the movie we just watched together.

What should I do with all this free time? Coffee? Wine? Definitely chocolate.

3. I never, ever thought I would touch snot or a booger.

I learned early on that I cannot be a mother to “that kid”. You know the one: always has something crusty somewhere on his face? So if I spot a booger as I am strapping you into your car seat, I will twist my pinkie finger in ways you cannot imagine to extract that little gem, then deftly flick it to the curb. I may or may not have pinned a son down to remove such nasal nastiness, it’s a gift.

I’m not proud of this, but on more than one occasion we’ve been caught without a tissue and I’ve resorted to scooping some snot off a crying toddler with my bare hand, then wiping it in the grass. Desperate times.

4. I never thought I’d eat someone else’s food.

Ha! Sometimes the scraps on their plates are all I have for lunch.  Calculate that, MyFitnessPal.

Your turn – what have you done as parent that makes you shudder?

 Hide all you like, it's still bedtime.