Thursday, February 06, 2014

And I Will Strike Down upon Thee...

-Imagine the panic that set in the moment I looked at my clock and realized that I should have already been on the road. The children were going to be late to school. Again. I mulled over my choices for the excuse I was going to give each office.

  A. An alien spaceship fried my alarm clock with gamma radiation. Truthfully, this excuse has never once worked but never fails to entertain the office staff because I am trying so hard to avoid the unexcused tardy.
  B. Snow. There was so much snow. Ok, this one would only work if we lived somewhere other than Alabama. It would also help if there were actually snow outside.
  C. I was vomiting profusely. No, bad idea. Move along.
  D. Own it. Own the truth and confess at all three schools that I am pro tardy. No, I do not mean pro tardy as in I am in favor of being tardy. I mean pro tardy as in I have done this enough to be a professional at it. I am pro tardy.

I decided to go with option D - the embarrassing truth and unexcused tardies all around. I'm like Oprah with tardies. You get a tardy! You get a tardy! Everybody gets a tardy!!

-It is that time of year. The time of year when love commercials are a plenty. 99.9% of the time commercials that are about Valentine's Day disgust me. Excuse me while I go throw up. Valentine's Day = Not. My. Thing.

-I have a serious spam problem with this blog. I have posted screen shots of some of the emails I receive daily. I get 5-7 of them a day. The only thing that stops the emails is taking my blog off the Internet. As has been pointed out to me recently by a complete stranger, my family must be completely embarrassed by what I write for this blog. So, I have spam and embarrass my family. It's a good thing I have a day job and don't make my living from this blog.

-Building on the last paragraph - when a complete stranger stopped me in Publix to ask if I was ashamed of myself for humiliating myself on the Internet, I literally had no words come out of my mouth. I looked at this woman who has clearly read my blog and felt compelled to approach me in the grocery store and thought, "Seriously? You read my blog and don't know me and thought it would be a good idea to stop me in public to degrade my 40 page views a month blog? You have more issues than I do, lady." That's what I thought, but I knew that it would lead to confrontation or an ugly scene if I actually said it out loud. So I remained speechless. Right there by the pot roasts. What words could I possibly say to this woman judging me for being open and honest about the chaos in my head and in my life? I really wanted to say an obscenity. Instead, I was voiceless. And I nodded my head and walked away. I was almost proud of that moment.

-I am not proud of the tongue lashing I issued to the poor man who rang our doorbell early last Saturday morning. He was out looking for work and wanted to know if I wanted my shrubs trimmed. I should have politely told him no. Instead, I said something along the lines of, "I don't want anything trimmed by someone who thinks it is acceptable to wake me up on a Saturday morning...." That was the opening line. I cannot even bring myself to repeat what followed. Samuel L. Jackson would probably be proud of it though.