Thursday, May 29, 2014

Put Gravy on It...

Have you ever googled Alabama? Momentary pause. We are using google as several different parts of speech these days, right? Well, I am, so get on board with that. If I were to google Alabama, I imagine that the results would include the state's official page, things about football, the Birmingham bombing, George Wallace and his Schoolhouse stand, the obesity rate, the literacy rate, and the band Alabama. 

When I think about my home state, those are just some of the things that come to my mind. I also think about the way honey suckle smells on a June day, drivers pulling over to let a funeral procession pass, the sound of crickets at sunset, the feel of watermelon juice running down my arm in the July heat, the white sand on the Gulf of Mexico, wild flowers, lightning bugs, rocket science, and the time I had to repeat my order for a cheeseburger when I found myself North of the Mason-Dixon Line. It was my accent that caused the fuss. My server wanted everyone in the restaurant to hear me order in my thick twang. Really though, I think she was surprised that I could read the menu being from Alabama and all. Do you live in Alabama? If not, you probably have a preconceived notion about what it is like here. 

Yes, there are still dirt roads in the rural areas. We took a trip down this road last weekend. It takes almost an hour to get to this dirt road from our house. Even though the road is not paved, the residents of this community have electricity and indoor plumbing. Is this what you picture in your mind's eye for the state of Alabama? This is not what the majority of Alabama roadways look like. This is the minority.

I have heard a couple of tales recently that I have to repeat. 

The Alabamian who moved to Chicago: At his first dental appointment in the Windy City, he was asked if he had fluoridated water growing up or if he only drank well water. Even better, he had a coworker who stated he had never been to Alabama because - the Klan.
FYI: City and County water is indeed fluoridated, and some people are lucky enough to have a well in addition to that fancy, municipal aitch two O. Did you like that? Was it Alabama-y enough? And. The last time I saw a Klan gathering, they were protesting illegal immigration and didn't even wear bed sheets over their heads.

The Alabamian who visited the East Coast: The other patrons in the restaurant thought that the rednecks in Alabama still had public hangings. 
Hold up. Seriously? People think that there are public hangings in Alabama in 2014? It has been nearly 90 years since the last execution by hanging. 

Bless their hearts. :)

Sunday, May 18, 2014

What Kind of Person?...

-I haven't blogged in a while. The truth is that I have grown tired of being mocked for having a blog. Having to hear so many people tell me how pathetic it is to have a blog has made me weary. For every one person who says they love to read my blog, six more tell me it is ridiculous. What's the point? That's what I keep asking myself when I think about how long it has been since I published a post. 

How many pictures of Layton behaving horribly can I really post?

How many silly anecdotes and embarrassing facts about myself can I really post?

-It's getting close to that time of year. The moment when it gets warm enough that all the skinny, beautiful people start taking their clothes off and getting tan. The time of year when I sweat profusely all the time because I have to dress for Winter year round due to my flab, jiggles, and excessively large backside. Some things cannot be fixed with diet and exercise; I am not about to carve out time for plastic surgery. Sweating is the way to go. All you sexy people should know - I am sure you are lovely individuals, but I still hate you for being able to go sleeveless and in shorts. Much love, The Fatty in the Turtleneck

-Ella Channing and Layton have begun an excavation at the farm and suckered their cousins into it as well. I have no idea what they think they will find, but they are determined to dig until something good pops up.

So far, they have just found rocks and petrified dung. You have no idea how badly I wish that last little bit weren't true. One thought it was funny...the other was in grossed out mode...

What's the point in blogging about the horrible things I do to my children?

-MMMBop came on '90s on 9. I cranked the volume up a good bit. I am not sure what bothered Hadley more - the fact that I turned the volume up or the fact that I knew all the words. Puh-lease, I didn't figure out how to communicate with other people until I was almost 30. Learning the MMMBop lyrics was all I had to do on Friday nights in the '90s. Did you see the pleated pants I had on in that one post? Yeah, no one wanted to be my friend.

I have grown tired. I might never publish another post ever.

Thursday, May 08, 2014

Doubting Conscious...

-All around me are things that I don't expect to see. Old cow bones covered in moss and resting in the leaves were not on the list of things I thought I would happen upon recently. 

It was an interesting enough thing to find. It made me wonder about the cow. What happened to it? If I knew more about skeletons, I would have studied the pelvis to determine whether or not it was female. 

-I don't often expect to walk through water, but I am prepared for it when I do. 

-I certainly did not expect to post a humiliating picture of myself. This is a picture of me with my childhood idol. She has the most fabulous red hair and is always stylish. Even when we were in Mexico building houses, she had scarves and lipstick and jewelry. Sweet Virginia broke her hip in December and has had a long recovery. Ella found this picture of me with Virginia when we went to visit one night. Ella was seriously obsessed and needed a picture with the picture. Something inside me died the moment I uploaded those pleated pants and frizzy hair to the Interwebs. Come on now; it was 20 years ago...before anyone told me about hair products.

-Yes, all around me are things that I do not expect to see. That's what I mutter aloud regularly. For some reason, I don't expect these things. That leaves me with...What exactly am I expecting to see and do, then? That's the question I am attempting to answer. If I didn't expect to see cow bones, what was I expecting to see? If I didn't expect to wade through a creek, why did I have rubber boots? If I didn't expect Ella to fall head over heels in love with a terrible picture of me, what did I think her reaction to that picture would be? 

-I am super duper behind on posts these days. I have been busy with work and catching up from busy season. My "To Be Dealt With Later" pile is slightly smaller. My draft section of posts is slightly larger. I have started several things and uploaded some pictures, but I haven't gotten around to the meat of the story yet. That is something I do expect - to be continuously behind due to the hectic schedule I keep. Hey, at least we all have clean underwear this week.